What I Need

I have been thinking a lot about a woman who knows Jesus. She lived in a nursing home I use to work for. And she said something to me that has been haunting my thoughts since Tuesday. I had asked her if she could only give me one piece of wisdom as a follower of Jesus what would it be? I was bracing myself for a revelation from God that would open the heavens and make me the wisest, deepest person I knew. (Sad, huh?)
And she said that she never does anything without asking Jesus if he wants her to. She even used the example of brushing her teeth which she was doing in that moment. And I remember thinking, "This is it? This is what 90 years of living for Jesus gets you? Asking Him if its ok to brush your teeth before you do it? Where is the deep revelation in that?" I casually dropped the conversation and went about my prideful, arrogant way.
I was in the prayer room on Tuesday morning, and I felt broken before God. I had been confronted on my pride the weekend before, and I was realizing that I could really screw everything up without even trying. HOLY CRAP! What am I going to do? The Phillipines is going to be a disaster all thanks to me and my pride. I could actually see myself not admitting I was wrong the entire trip, making my team miserable, and totally missing God. And in that moment of total clarity of who I am and what I am capable of, I saw the wisdom of what the woman had said. I need Jesus! I need Him to direct my every move. I need to be in His will at all times, because when left to my own direction, I am doomed to failure.
It hit me how little I actually ask Him for His direction, on big and little decisions. I call myself a follower of Jesus, but I think most of the time I'm off on my own not really interested in what He has to say. My pride keeps me independent of God, so I don't pray, seek His word, or ask for spiritual direction from others. I just want to say that I am sorry Jesus for not following you. I need you, and I am beginning to see that. Please continue to open my eyes to my deep need for you. Thank you for putting people in my life who care enough about me to say hard things which is a gift. I long to one day say in truth to someone, "I never do anything without asking Jesus if He wants me to." For anyone who reads this, please pray this for me, because I really need your prayers! J

I forgot...

Did you know that Jesus is awesome? Because I forgot. I forgot the beauty of my lord, the power of His offer of life to the dead, and how He swings the balance of eternity from life to death for those who call on His name. And my life reflects that, because if I remembered these things, I would be telling people about His awesomeness. I would be fervently praying for my friends who don't know Him, because I would remember that eternity is the only thing that matters.

Praise God that He is not dependent on my fervor (or lack there of) to bring people into His kingdom! That in all His wisdom He has surrounded me with a community who continue to do His work when I stop. This week a friend of mine decided to come home to the Father... another prodigal son comes home to his awaiting Father who runs, embraces him, and restores him to sonship. As I listened to my friend tell of his homecoming, his voice was saturated with the joy that only the knowledge that God’s love has saved you from death brings, and I suddenly remembered the awesomeness of Jesus, and how He had rescued me from death and the reality that my voice no longer sounded like my friend's. And He is awesome, not just because He saved my friend whom I love (which is reason enough), but because He never forgot about him even when I had. My friend had made the decision that he was ready to return home, but had been waiting for 2 months for someone to ask him. Though I had forgotten, God still used Jeremy to ask him to come home! (Thanks Jeremy!)

How will I remember? I don't want to forget, but a feeble mind combined with a weak spirit is a deadly combination. Add to that my sin of pride, daily duties, and a passionless walk with God, and God's kingdom is a distant memory I use to care about. In the face of this question, I am praying that God will give me insight and grace to try again. I believe that even this week He has given me an opportunity to remember Him. I am meeting with a co-worker who does not know Jesus on Friday, and I ask that you would pray with me that I would remember the power and love of Jesus when I ask her, "Do you know that Jesus is awesome?" J (this was supposed to be posted 2 weeks ago, and I finally got my word document to open up.. computers are not always my friend.)