Failure

Do you know that God loves you? Not because of what you do for Him, how talented you are, or the depth of character you have, but just because He chooses to? I know this truth cognitively, but it does not reach my soul because somewhere along my journey I have allowed the lie that its what I do, what talent I bring to the kingdom, or how good I am that makes God love me.
Manila has been a time of struggle for me in this, because as you all know I am surrounded by gifted, spiritual, amazing people in my community. What you have probably heard is that we are surrounded by those same kinds of people here that humble us all. I often wonder why God would allow me to be among these people, because they are way out of my league. I feel grateful to be included, I think "I don't know how I got in, but man is it good to be here."But I confess I want to earn my place, I want to be able to say that because I offer something to them and to God that I deserve to be here. This thinking often leads me to the sin of jealousy, envy, and self centerdness, and I have little peace. So, I want to know the love of God, to be set free from my sin by it, to know my identity in Christ alone. To really believe my closest friends (my community) when they say they love me and want me around. Especially when I remember all the ways I have wronged and failed them. All the ways I have wronged and failed Christ.
I have been asking God to reveal His love to me, and he has been. In the light of my sin and failure I am so doubtful that this is a person God could love. I was praying recently, and I felt Jesus speaking to me once again of His love for me. I asked Him who He died for... who did He see when He was hanging on the cross? I imagine He loves me most when I have reflected His image, have pleased Him in some way, and this is who He died for. Or perhaps the hope of that person in the future, this is who He saw. But He said that He saw me at my worst; most selfish, ugly, jealous, void of all integrity, reflecting nothing of His image; the me no one likes, the me I can't stand being. As He bore the weight of the cross to Calvary on His mauled back He knew me at my worst and chose to die for that Jennifer. I don't deserve it, I can't explain it, but I want it. There is still so much for me to experience about His love, the unfathomable depths of it. I am realizing only in my failures, lack of talent, and sin can I really know how much He loves me because I offer Him nothing, and He still chooses to love this failure that I am.