youth camp

MMP had a youth camp last week and I was asked to be a nurse/small group leader. I cannot express how grateful I am to have been a part of it. There were moments during the camp that I just stopped and thanked God for allowing me to be a part of the weekend. The first morning as the youth arrived in groups, I was helping out with registration. While waiting for the next group to arrive, I was consumed with thoughts of myself, thinking about a conflict I had had. I was reading Psalm 37 that says "trust the Lord and do good" and as I read this I realized I was doing neither. I said a quick prayer asking God to help me forget about myself and for Him to show me what to do. I lifted my head, glanced to my right, and there was a young woman sitting on the steps next to me by herself. The Lord told me to go and talk to her. There is always a moment after God tells me to do something that it becomes my choice whether to follow Him or not, and all the reasons why I should not follow Him rush through my mind. It happened here to, but I was desperate to escape myself, so I got up and sat next to her. Within twenty minutes she gave her life to Christ. There is no doubt in my mind that she would have decided to follow Jesus at some point in the weekend, but I got to tell her that Jesus loved her! I got to participate in the kingdom building, to experience the goodness of God as I shared the gospel with her, to see her make a decision to follow Him. And I felt loved by Him. There is nothing that makes me feel more alive than sharing Christ with someone and watching Him change their heart right in front of me. How kind is God to allow me, such a sinner, to participate in building His kingdom. The next day, 48 youth committed their lives to Jesus by being baptized, and she was one of them. It was the first time I had ever helped in baptizing anyone, and to be able to see her commit her life to Christ in this way was so precious. Why in all of God's wisdom does He allow me to be a part of His plans? I'm so messed up, so broken, but He still uses me. I pray I will always lose sight of myself in the midst of loving others.

Failure

Do you know that God loves you? Not because of what you do for Him, how talented you are, or the depth of character you have, but just because He chooses to? I know this truth cognitively, but it does not reach my soul because somewhere along my journey I have allowed the lie that its what I do, what talent I bring to the kingdom, or how good I am that makes God love me.
Manila has been a time of struggle for me in this, because as you all know I am surrounded by gifted, spiritual, amazing people in my community. What you have probably heard is that we are surrounded by those same kinds of people here that humble us all. I often wonder why God would allow me to be among these people, because they are way out of my league. I feel grateful to be included, I think "I don't know how I got in, but man is it good to be here."But I confess I want to earn my place, I want to be able to say that because I offer something to them and to God that I deserve to be here. This thinking often leads me to the sin of jealousy, envy, and self centerdness, and I have little peace. So, I want to know the love of God, to be set free from my sin by it, to know my identity in Christ alone. To really believe my closest friends (my community) when they say they love me and want me around. Especially when I remember all the ways I have wronged and failed them. All the ways I have wronged and failed Christ.
I have been asking God to reveal His love to me, and he has been. In the light of my sin and failure I am so doubtful that this is a person God could love. I was praying recently, and I felt Jesus speaking to me once again of His love for me. I asked Him who He died for... who did He see when He was hanging on the cross? I imagine He loves me most when I have reflected His image, have pleased Him in some way, and this is who He died for. Or perhaps the hope of that person in the future, this is who He saw. But He said that He saw me at my worst; most selfish, ugly, jealous, void of all integrity, reflecting nothing of His image; the me no one likes, the me I can't stand being. As He bore the weight of the cross to Calvary on His mauled back He knew me at my worst and chose to die for that Jennifer. I don't deserve it, I can't explain it, but I want it. There is still so much for me to experience about His love, the unfathomable depths of it. I am realizing only in my failures, lack of talent, and sin can I really know how much He loves me because I offer Him nothing, and He still chooses to love this failure that I am.

Beggar

What is it like to be a beggar? What is the point when one realizes that they are not able to meet their own needs, and any resources they once had are gone? Perhaps those resources were never adequate, but somehow that person managed to just “get by” on them. What does the first day someone goes out to beg look like? Do they wake up that morning and dread the coming hours ahead of them when they realize the dignity that makes them human will be taken away? As they walk to the place where they will begin to lose this dignity, does their posture speak of one defeated by the weight of knowing how people will jeer and look down on them? And when they get there, how long does it take for them to stretch out their hand, to try and meet the eyes of those who will do anything to avoid that intimate contact? And what does it feel like when one rejection after the other is received, and the desperation that brought them here is blended with the destruction of their humanity? The looks that they do receive are filled with pity at times, more often with distaste, and most of the people who walk by leave them wondering if they are in fact invisible. Does everyone else seem better than them, because they are in a posture of such defeat and dependence on those whom they ask from? And at the end of the day, do they leave with any trace of the image of God that He gave them?
I want to be a beggar. For too long I have tried to meet my own needs with resources I had, but Manila has stripped those away. So here I am, lying in a puddle of my own deficiencies, drowning in the shallowness of what I once thought was sufficient. I am learning (slowly because I am not very teachable) to ask God what He would have me do, say, or think, and asking Him what His will is throughout the day for me. Because I need Him, and I fall on my knees in a posture of defeat and dependence as a beggar knowing He is superior to me in every way. But here is the thing that separates a kingdom beggar from one I see all around me here. When I am on my knees Jesus does not reject me, he does not avoid eye contact, he does not look at me with distaste. Instead He lifts me up looking deeply into my eyes and restores my dignity, my humanity, the image of God in me. When I ask Him what His will is, He tells me. He shows me. He never rejects me. And when I fail to ask Him or fail to follow Him, He never withholds His love from me. Please pray that He will continue to make me a beggar for Him.

Christmas Lights

Christmas lights. I've seen them every 27 years of my life, and they have always represented a joyous time of year filled with gifts, family, and being home. During this season they are everywhere... in the stores beckoning shoppers to come and spend more money, in front of buildings, and in the homes of people. They bring such joy to my heart when I see them! Who can resist looking at them and appreciating their beauty in the midst of a dark night? Its a very small grasp of the light that Jesus brings to our dark world, of the beauty that He brought us 2000 years ago when He was born, and so now more than ever I appreciate Christmas lights and how they represent God in their small way.
Tuesday night Crystal, JoAnn, and myself went out with Ate Bevs and Ate Mildred to visit women in prostitution who work at bars. Ate Mildred directed us to walk down the street and to pray for what we saw before we beagn to interact with anyone. Among the row of buildings there were different businesses including a tire shop, a wood shop, and multiple bars. Ate Mildred said,"The bars have Christams lights on them so people know what they are," and looking up the street I could see a line of buildings with Christmas lights. The very symbols of such joy and appreciation I had always known were now being used as beacons for men to come and satisfy their lusts. They twinkled the same but all beauty had been destroyed by what they represented now. I was so sad as I realized how God's heart must break at the sight. As I prayed I had a sense that the women they illuminated were ignorant that these lights should be a small representation of the Light of the World that had come into the world for them. Truth was being held back and my heart just cried out for it to be set free and reign down on that street. Even now a few days later my heart echoes that prayer I first felt.
I will never look at Christmas ligths the same. They not only symbolize the things I thought before, but now they hold the burden of what I saw that night. I was riding on the back of a tricycle last night coming home, and as I passed Christmas lights on the road my heart was burdened with the need to pray for the women. And my prayer was to see truth revealed of who Jesus is and for the Christmas lights to be redeemed by that truth for them. Would you join me in this prayer and share this burden, that when you see Christmas lights you too will remember the Samaritan women of Manila.

All i have

In Matthew 13: 45-46 Jesus describes the kingdom of God like a man searching for fine pearls and when he found one of great value he sold everything he had and bought it. I have met people here who bring this verse to life. There is a pastor who along with his family lives in the slums with the people he reaches out to. His home is small and made of cement blocks and boards, which is also used for the church services he runs (home church!). His salary of $100 monthly is not adequate for him and his family to live off of. Yet he continues to serve God and the people around him fatihfully. There is a woman who teaches preschool for free at another site because there are no funds to pay her, but she answered the call God gave her. There are women who have been serving the prostitutes in Manila relentlessly for years, with small victories only to show for it. There are men who have been working with the poorest of the poor, at times burning out, but who have stayed in the race with Jesus as their vision to finish the race well.
They have sold everything they have for the kingdom of God, and still remain joyful and wholly satisfied. I too have seen a pearl of great value, but I have yet to sell all I have for the sake of it. I'm learning to let go and give all to Him who is worthy.

What I Need

I have been thinking a lot about a woman who knows Jesus. She lived in a nursing home I use to work for. And she said something to me that has been haunting my thoughts since Tuesday. I had asked her if she could only give me one piece of wisdom as a follower of Jesus what would it be? I was bracing myself for a revelation from God that would open the heavens and make me the wisest, deepest person I knew. (Sad, huh?)
And she said that she never does anything without asking Jesus if he wants her to. She even used the example of brushing her teeth which she was doing in that moment. And I remember thinking, "This is it? This is what 90 years of living for Jesus gets you? Asking Him if its ok to brush your teeth before you do it? Where is the deep revelation in that?" I casually dropped the conversation and went about my prideful, arrogant way.
I was in the prayer room on Tuesday morning, and I felt broken before God. I had been confronted on my pride the weekend before, and I was realizing that I could really screw everything up without even trying. HOLY CRAP! What am I going to do? The Phillipines is going to be a disaster all thanks to me and my pride. I could actually see myself not admitting I was wrong the entire trip, making my team miserable, and totally missing God. And in that moment of total clarity of who I am and what I am capable of, I saw the wisdom of what the woman had said. I need Jesus! I need Him to direct my every move. I need to be in His will at all times, because when left to my own direction, I am doomed to failure.
It hit me how little I actually ask Him for His direction, on big and little decisions. I call myself a follower of Jesus, but I think most of the time I'm off on my own not really interested in what He has to say. My pride keeps me independent of God, so I don't pray, seek His word, or ask for spiritual direction from others. I just want to say that I am sorry Jesus for not following you. I need you, and I am beginning to see that. Please continue to open my eyes to my deep need for you. Thank you for putting people in my life who care enough about me to say hard things which is a gift. I long to one day say in truth to someone, "I never do anything without asking Jesus if He wants me to." For anyone who reads this, please pray this for me, because I really need your prayers! J

I forgot...

Did you know that Jesus is awesome? Because I forgot. I forgot the beauty of my lord, the power of His offer of life to the dead, and how He swings the balance of eternity from life to death for those who call on His name. And my life reflects that, because if I remembered these things, I would be telling people about His awesomeness. I would be fervently praying for my friends who don't know Him, because I would remember that eternity is the only thing that matters.

Praise God that He is not dependent on my fervor (or lack there of) to bring people into His kingdom! That in all His wisdom He has surrounded me with a community who continue to do His work when I stop. This week a friend of mine decided to come home to the Father... another prodigal son comes home to his awaiting Father who runs, embraces him, and restores him to sonship. As I listened to my friend tell of his homecoming, his voice was saturated with the joy that only the knowledge that God’s love has saved you from death brings, and I suddenly remembered the awesomeness of Jesus, and how He had rescued me from death and the reality that my voice no longer sounded like my friend's. And He is awesome, not just because He saved my friend whom I love (which is reason enough), but because He never forgot about him even when I had. My friend had made the decision that he was ready to return home, but had been waiting for 2 months for someone to ask him. Though I had forgotten, God still used Jeremy to ask him to come home! (Thanks Jeremy!)

How will I remember? I don't want to forget, but a feeble mind combined with a weak spirit is a deadly combination. Add to that my sin of pride, daily duties, and a passionless walk with God, and God's kingdom is a distant memory I use to care about. In the face of this question, I am praying that God will give me insight and grace to try again. I believe that even this week He has given me an opportunity to remember Him. I am meeting with a co-worker who does not know Jesus on Friday, and I ask that you would pray with me that I would remember the power and love of Jesus when I ask her, "Do you know that Jesus is awesome?" J (this was supposed to be posted 2 weeks ago, and I finally got my word document to open up.. computers are not always my friend.)